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| The closer I get to my birthday, the more lethargic I feel. It's
like this every year. I start thinking about things more. I
wonder if she's thinking about me too, if she's marveling over the fact
that it's been nearly 27 years since she had me.
I registered with the Adoption Disclosure Registry, as well as sent
away for Non-identifying information. Let's see what that turns
up, shall we? 
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| I recieved another email back from the woman I was told to email.
She has found a P. D'Aoust in a Kingston listing, and has offered to
call it. I told her that'd be great. It's such a blessing
that nowadays we have the internet right at our fingertips. It
makes searching that much easier. I'm a little scared, but also a
little hopeful. What fantastic timing that would be!
I was thinking about a post I read on one of the adoption forums.
It was from a birth mother, wanting to know how/why the adopted
children love their birth parents. It was a very painful post to
read.
"I was wondering, how is it that
adopted children still love their birth parents? I had my
daughter, but gave her up for adoption. Through the years I had
other children. They never replaced
her. I waited all these years with the hole in my heart,
the void in my life because she wasn't around me. I wasn't
whole.
Yet when the child gets placed, they
get a replacement mother. The new mother is their only mother,
and I'm to fade away into the sunset. Why do we do this?
How is it that a child can love someone as their mother, when they
already have one?"
She was an older woman, back when adoption was something people did but
never spoke about. I really felt for her. But for those of
us who were told that we were adopted, we wanted to know. I know
I did. It wasn't until I recieved that call from CAS saying that
my birth mother didn't want to find me that I grew leary of it
all. So I'm a little worried on that regard. What if she
doesn't want to meet me again?
I wish there was some way that I could just let her know that I'll be
okay if she doesn't want a relationship. I just want to finally
look at a blood relative. Try to see myself in her. I
suppose deep down I'm really wanting to find her because I'm hoping
I'll have a better connection with her than my Mom. My mom will
always be my mother. I love her, but we're so different that I
have a hard time even speaking to her.
I haven't told her about all of this, and I feel bad. I feel like
I am sneaking around behind her back, but truthfully I have no other
choice. She would guilt trip me and make me feel bad for wanting
to know my history. It's been pointed out to me time and time
again that I need to start doing things that are best for ME,
regardless of how it might affect others. My brother knows that I
am searching, and couldn't be more happier for me if he tried. He
thinks that in finding my birth family, I'll finally be able to deal
with the rejection issues that I've had all my life.
He doesn't think I should tell my Mom either. Not until I
actually go find her I guess. Is it weird that I wouldn't feel
comfortable calling my birth mother "Mom"? Sure she'd be my flesh
and blood.... but she hasn't really been a "Mom" to me in almost 25
years. I dunno... I'll figure that one out later, when it's
closer to actually meeting her.
Oh, and I probrably will not change my name back to Jamie Lee
Ann. I like being a "Tiffany" . When I was younger, I
used to wonder if my father's name was Jamie, and my mother's name was
Lee Ann and that's why they named me that. Who knows?
Hopefully I will, someday.
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Well it's my first entry of my adoption blog.
Why write an adoption blog you ask? Simple. It's a way of
logging everything that happens, dates/times that I have contacted
people or sent things in the mail. It's also going to be a place
for me to vent my feelings, frustrations and advances. I also
want it so on the slight, off chance that I do in fact find my birth
mother and relatives, they can go here and read through everything.
The story thus far:
I've been up and down on wanting to actually search for my birth
family. I think it's fear that's holding me back. I have a
deep fear of the unknown. I guess I'm also a little scared that
if I do in fact find my birth family, that they won't want to know
me. I don't know if I have half siblings... although it's a
pretty safe assumption that I do. Do they know about me?
Will they know about me?
What I know about myself:
My birth mother (so I've been told) wanted to try and keep me.
She struggled with being able to care for me, and wanting a better
life. She had me christened in a beautiful gown at an Anglican
church. Her and my father were in an immature relationship.
It's sketchy about his role in all of this. I don't know much
about him at all to be honest. Even less than I know about
her. I know she was a hairstylist, not sure what he
was. I finally became a Ward of the Crown around 21 months of
age. I only spoke a few words, mainly them being french. I
was adopted not long after. I think my birth mother requested
pictures of me after my adoption.
I think I may have found her.
I registered on adoption.com, and added my profile to their reunion
registry. After fiddling around with the site, I did a search on
my birthdate. A list of names appeared. There was one with
a woman from Ottawa as well. As I read through her profile, the
similarities were amazing.
My name at birth was Jamie Lee Ann. She was looking for a little
girl, born on the same day, with the same name, and the same city and
same eye/hair colour. The fact that she was looking for hair/eye
colour stuck out. If she had given the baby up right away, how
would she have known what colour the eyes stayed? Or if the hair
lightened?
I'm convinced it's her. Now it's just trying to find her.
I tried calling the number that was provided, however it was
disconnected. Her profile was posted back in 1999, so I was kinda
aware of the fact that it could have been changed. I wanted to
try and do a reverse address search, but the addy that was listed was a
PO box. I could try and send a letter, but I don't know if she
still has it or not, and I'd rather not pour my heart out into a
letter, only for some weirdo to read it. Then again... I do it
all the time on my xangas. But, that doesn't have a return
address on it. 
After posting about it on the forums at adoption.com, I was
directed to email Val from Parent Finders. So I did. I
recieved an email today asking for more information, like my address,
date of birth, name at birth... etc. After emailing it all out I
was struck by the notion that this would be a great way to do identity
theft. Prey on unsuspecting people trying to find their birth
parents. Luckily I know that Parentfinders is a legitimate site,
but it's something to think about.
I mailed out my request for Non-Disclosure information today, as well
as my application to be named in the Adoption Disclosure
Registry. I think I did that when I turned 18 (legal age to
search for birth relatives) but I'm not 100% sure, so I decided to do
it again. I can't wait to get the non-disclosure
information. I had it when I was 16, but I've since lost it and I
don't remember much about it. When I recieve it, I'll post more
about it.
Tah!
So that's my story... for now. I'll update more as I feel like it, or as things happen of signifigance.
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